How to Decide What You Really Want

This post is part of a series of posts on how to problem-solve and negotiate change the agile way, rather than using traditional goal-setting and productivity techniques. The posts in the series so far are:

• How to use your whole mind to problem-solve and negotiate change.
• Kicking off the problem-solving process: The problem with problems
• A Step-by-Step Process For Ring-Fencing And Unraveling a Messy Problem

As I showed in the first article, there are 4 steps to solving a problem and negotiating change, and we’re now at the second level, highlighted in red, where, having pin-pointed the specific problem, we’re ready to ask, “What do I want instead?”

Knowing What You Don’t Want Isn’t Enough

We’re actually really good at discovering what we don’t want. Our minds and bodies are designed to detect potential threats and so we usually don’t have any trouble being aware of what we don’t want. Where most of us get stuck is on deciding what we want instead – mostly just because we don’t often ask ourselves this question. The best way to get better at answering this question is to practice asking and answering it often, so get into the habit of asking yourself, “What do I want instead?” whenever you feel dissatisfied and find yourself complaining about your current circumstances.

What Do You Want Instead?

Ask yourself the question, “What do I want instead?” and start with the first answers that come to mind and then fill in as much detail as much detail as you can. Treat it like a brainstorm initially, giving yourself permission to generate ideas without spending time considering whether they’re “worthwhile” or “realistic” and so on. Relax and when you notice your internal sensor jumping up and down and wanting to discard ideas, just relax into in and remind yourself that you don’t have to actually implement any of these ideas – we’re just playing right now, and we fully expect to discard some of these ideas. Also remind yourself that what you want doesn’t have to be the “solution” to your problems – it doesn’t have to have any relationship to your problems. It’s just ideas of what you want. Right now we’re just coming up with answers and options of what you might want instead.

Here are some other ways you can lube up your thinking and get really clear on what you want, using right-brain-directed exercises:

• Imagine that you wake up one morning, and that problem you had been worrying about is no longer a problem for you. What do you notice is different about your life, as you look around and start engaging with your life? What does that look, smell, feel, taste and sound like for you? What’s different in the way you talk to yourself? What’s different in your relationships? What’s different in what you’re doing?
• Grab some children’s crayons, put on some soothing music and spend some time drawing a picture about the changes you want and what your life will look and feel like when you have what you want.
• Find a few magazines, some scissors and a glue stick and spend some time cutting out pictures that appeal to you. You don’t have to know why they appeal to you, and it’s also okay if you do. Create a collage of all the pictures that appeal to you and then take some time to reflect and write down what you realize you want, when you look at this collage.
• Take some time to relax and then imagine that you float out into the future, to 6 months or a year from now, and all the changes you wan have happened. Have a look around and see how that feels. As you’re there now, write yourself a letter describing what it’s like in as much detail as you can. And while you’re there, you might even want to include some advice, tips and supportive words on how you got there.

These right-brain-directed exercises help you to get into a relaxed, playful state of mind, where it’s easier to switch off your strict, internal sensor and access your emotions and your Essential Self – the part of you that knows what you really want.

Is this really what you want?

It’s so easy to get caught up in wanting what we think we should want, or what we think is realistic to want, and to disconnect ourselves from what we truly want. There are a few ways you can check in with yourself that what you think you want is really what you want:

• Check in with your body. Think about what you want and as you’re thinking about it, do a body scan and notice how your body feels. Notice if there’s any tension or pain in any area of your body. When we’re thinking about something that our Essential Self truly wants, our bodies relax and feel light and loose. When we’re thinking about something that isn’t aligned with our Essential Self, our bodies tighten up and we hold tension or pain in some areas of our body.

  Another way to get feedback from your body is through muscle testing. When we tell the truth our bodies are stronger and they become weaker when we tell a lie. So hold your arm out to the side and get a friend to push down on it as you say, “I want fresh air.” Notice how strong your arm is. Now do the same while you say, “I love to vomit” and notice how you arm weakens. And then say, “I want…(insert what you had been thinking you want)” and notice whether your body strengthens or weakens. What does your body feel like when you think about what you’d been thinking you want?

• Check the ecology. All the parts of our lives are interconnected systems and they all impact on each other, so when one part of your life is changed, that’ll have an impact on the other parts of your life. And your life is a part in the interconnected systems of your relationships with friends, family, colleagues and the broader community, so you impact all of those relationships and systems when you change.

  Consider what the impact is likely to be on all areas of your life if you get what you want. And what is the impact on other people and systems likely to be if you get what you want? Are you happy with that impact? Is that the impact you want to make or would you like to adjust what you want, so that you are happy with the impact you’ll make?

• Check if you can skip the middle-man. Think about what you’ve been thinking you want and then ask yourself, “Why do I want it? What am I thinking that will get me?” Write your answer down, and then ask those questions again, in reference to your new answer, “And why do I want that? What am I thinking that will get me?” Ask this 4 or 5 times.

  What you really want is the last answer you wrote down. Now ask yourself whether you really need to have the stuff your wrote down as your first answer in order to get what you really want, or whether you can skip the middle man and go straight for what you really want.

• Check it out with experience. This is the most important way you can check if what you think you want is what you really want. We often spend a bunch of time dreaming and analyzing and worrying about what we want and whether it’s what we really want, and trying to work it all out in our heads. You can’t ever really know for sure whether you really want what you think you want until you try out having it in reality.

  So find some way that you can taste that thing you want, in reality and see for yourself what it really looks, feels, smells, sounds and tastes like. And decide from your experience whether this is what you really want and are willing to invest more of your time, energy and attention into creating more of this in your life.