When Life Throws You A Curve Ball…

Last week I was walking on air – my energy seemed to have returned and I was feeling great, our little bump was growing, my nausea had cleared so I was eating better, and my insomnia seemed to have passed. I was doing final tweaks to my Wealthy Thought Leader presentation and looking forward to seeing Charlie, Pam, Tara, Janet, Randi, Jenny, Lori, Chris & Cherie, and other friends in San Fran, and even more excited about catching up and having late-night pyjama-chats with my roomie, Crystal. Business had been picking up nicely over the past 4 months, we got our visa renewals for Canada, we were starting to talk dates for family to visit us after Juggernaut is born and I had great expectations and excitement about our future. I was loving being a becoming-mom and starting to understand why our friends who are already parents have been such evangelists for having children. Life was good.

And then on Tuesday we got a curve ball.

A biggie. I trotted off to the doctor by myself because we’d breezed through all recent examinations and I expected it was just a formality – check my blood pressure, schedule more lab tests and our 18-week scan and send me on my way. Instead of the happy high-five I expected, I was told that they’d just received my lab tests from 4 weeks ago (it got lost in the system and they chased it up that morning when they saw me on the appointment roster) and they had grave concerns. It seems that my kidneys are not holding up well with this pregnancy.

Andy rushed over from work and for the rest of the day we had tough conversations with doctors, waited hours while they discussed and debated amongst themselves as they tried to decide what the results might mean, headed over for an emergency scan to see how Juggernaut is doing and had more tough conversations.

After further tests this week, we still have a lot of uncertainty, but the nutshell is that this pregnancy is damaging my kidneys. There is concern about whether my kidney issue could impact on Juggernaut’s growth – we need further monitoring to know. There’s also concern as to whether I can carry our Juggernaut long enough. The absolute lowest squeak-by age is 24 weeks. Every day after that is exponentially better. Juggernaut will definitely be arriving early by caesarian. Finally, there’s concern that, if I proceed with the pregnancy, I’ll almost certainly screw my kidneys completely and end up needing dialysis and kidney replacements – sometime within the next 2 to 15 years.

Next week is a biggie. We’ll have another scan to see how Juggernaut is growing. And more tough conversations, I’m sure. If the scan looks good, then I’ll be continuing with weekly lab tests, weekly meetings with the doctors, fortnightly scans and daily jabs to thin my blood. And each week we’ll be weighing up the risk to me and my kidneys vs the risk to Juggernaut in trying to decide the best time to deliver.

We’re at 18 weeks now, so we still have a long journey ahead. I’m holding out for a good scan and to make it to a January delivery. 1 Jan will be 31 weeks.

About 11 years ago, Andy and I got stuck in a cave about 1 hour deep into the ground. It was 12 hours before we got out again and the rescue team said that Andy was the “worst-stuck” guy they’d seen make it out alive. They said that most people they rescue in situations like that come out with shorter fingers, from clawing the cave walls. They said that the reason we survived was because we stayed calm. I’m drawing on that right now. We’re stuck between a rock and a hard place again and, as much as my brain wants to scream, “Do something! This is a crisis!” there’s nothing we can do except stay calm and wait right now. And trust that we’ll be okay.

Right now, we are okay.

I still feel great, so in some ways it’s hard to believe that this is going on with my kidneys. And really, life is still good to us. We’re grateful for the excellent health insurance that Andy’s company provides for us so that we’ve been able to access the best health treatment. We’re grateful for our visa extensions that have made it possible for us to stay in Canada another year so that we have some stability though this. We’re grateful for Andy’s company’s supportive attitude that’s made it possible for him to attend all these medical appointments with me. We’re grateful for our friends and family – both near and far – who’ve been so supportive this week. And I’m so grateful for Andy – I couldn’t pick a better person to be stuck in a hard place with.

Every so often I get “hunches” – things I know even though I can’t say how I know it. About a month ago I had a strong sense that delivering our baby will be a very scary process, but it’ll be okay. And since the day we were told our expected delivery date is 27 Feb, I’ve felt it’s going to be January. Right now, I’m returning to that faith.

How you can support us:

I’ve shared this today because I know we have a lot of folks all over the world who care for us and when I shared our news that we were pregnant, I was blown away by the love and good wishes in the comments and my inbox. This was the easiest way to update you all. And considering that so much of my work involves folks sharing their hardest stuff with me and I know that authenticity and transparency about your struggles is a big part of building resilience, I’m here, saying, “This is me. This is my hard stuff right now.”

Also, my focus now is on my health and our little Juggernaut’s health and I’m not sure how that’s going to impact my work or this blog, and if you see less of me, I wanted you to know why.

I’m learning to say what we need. So here goes…

• If you’ve had any experience with caring for a baby born prematurely, or know of any solid resources for learning about how best to care for a premature baby, please do share – we’re wanting to learn as much as we can about this.
• Hold us in mind, send love, pray. The love we’ve already felt from friends and family has made all the difference for Andy and I, in helping us to stay calm and strong through this.
• As much as I appreciate that advice is almost always given in love, please don’t give us advice about whether we should be continuing this pregnancy. This is probably the most important – and most difficult – decision that Andy and I will ever make. And it’s us who’ll have to live with the decisions we make. Please respect that and keep your thoughts about what the “right” decision is to yourself.
• With regards Agile Living and The Bottom-line Bookclub, I’ll ask for your patience and understanding. I don’t know what the future of either will be, but they have to take a back-seat for now. I’ll probably take a break from both – I’ll be getting in touch with Bottom-line Bookclub members about this. I have loads of medical appointments and it looks like we’ll be living 1 week to the next, never knowing what the next week holds, so I can’t commit to any program or service-offerings. I might do some blogging every so often – if I feel like it, but I’m not going to hold myself to posting every Tuesday. I’ve canceled my Dreaming To Delivering Mastermind that was due to start on 6 Oct and I’ve had to cancel my trip to Wealthy Thought Leader San Fran because I’m not allowed to leave Calgary. I’ll still be seeing a few of my current clients who are able to be flexible with their appointment times but I won’t be taking on any more clients for now. If you’d like to guest-post for Agile Living, drop me an email.
• If you’re waiting on an email response from me or wondering why I haven’t replied to your tweet, please be patient. I’ll be starting to clear my inboxes as and when I can.
• It’s been ages since I read fiction. I figure now’s a good time. Any recommendations for a good read?