After my last post sharing about the death and birth of our little girl, I was flooded with emails – people sharing their stories of similar experiences, people expressing gratitude for something they resonated with in my story that enabled them to move themselves along just a little further in their own healing journey, and people sharing kind and love-filled wishes and blessings. Thank you to all of you who’ve been in touch – your reaching out to us has helped our healing journey so so much. I’m convinced that this kind of connection is the greatest source of resilience and healing available to us.
I’m still working through all the emails, but I wanted to respond to something that I’m coming across repeatedly in your emails. Many of you have said something along the lines of:
“Your ability to be so positive through this situation is admirable/ amazing/ inspiring, etc…”
Hmmmm…
It’s a popular myth that we “should” be positive through difficult times
The rise of positive psychology and strengths-based approaches to personal development has played a big role in making psychology accessible and useful to the average person, and I definitely sit more in this camp than the traditional pathologizing Freudian psychotherapy model I was first trained in as a Social Worker. But one of the things that often worries me is that positive psychology is often interpreted to mean that we “should” be positive all the time, even through difficult situations, trauma and loss.
Even more concerning is the idea of “The Law of Attraction” and dodgy movies like “The Secret” that promote the idea that your thoughts magically attract things and events – so you should think positive thoughts if you want to attract positive experiences into your life. Negative thoughts and feelings in response to difficult situations will supposedly attract more difficult situations into your life. The overarching message is that the “right” way to respond to difficult situations, traumas and losses is by being positive.
I wanted to respond to this because I don’t want my post to be misunderstood to be promoting the idea that you “should” be positive if you have a difficult experience or major loss. This is a dangerous idea that can add to your pain instead of lessening your pain as you might have hoped it would. I’ll explain why I say it’s dangerous in a moment, but first let me clarify what was going on for us when I wrote that post…
We were – and still are – feeling plenty of “negative” feelings
I know there was a lot of talk about love and gratitude in that post, but don’t let that deceive you into thinking that it’s all rainbows and unicorns for us. Even though it wasn’t the experience of parenting that we’d hoped for, it was a genuinely amazing to meet a little person – our little person – that we created out of nothing and grew inside my belly. Even in her lifelessness, she had us awestruck and captivated by her brilliance.
But it hasn’t escaped us that, if she’d lived on, we’d have continued to have more of those kind of awe-filled experiences on a daily basis. Knowing this delivers fresh heartbreak everyday.
I’ve never experienced this depth of sadness before. I have plenty of “negative” thoughts that pass through me – stories about how it’s all unfair, lots of “if-only-I-did-this-or-that,” stories, isolating stories about other people judging our response to losing our baby, and plenty of stories about the hopelessness and sadness of what happened, how my life is meaningless now and how this is going to ruin the rest of our lives.
If the Law of Attraction was true, I’d have attracted a serious tsunami of shit into my life these past 3 weeks since Juggernaut passed away, what with all my “negative vibes.” And yet we’ve never been showered by so much love and generosity!
So, there are lots of negative thoughts and feelings. And yet we still feel the love and a deep sense of “all is well”
We weren’t trying to be positive, and we still aren’t. We’re both just feeling what we feel and we were both genuinely shocked to find that delivering our lifeless baby could be a very precious experience that filled us with love, peace and gratitude. I thought it would be dread-filled, painful and awful. It was. But it was also precious and love-filled. All at the same time.
If you’ve ever had a great trauma or loss, you’ll know what the pain can be like. Part of the reason that my post focused so much on love and gratitude was that I was just so freaking’ surprised and bloody grateful that it was possible to feel love and gratitude and peace during such a tough time in our lives. I was bowled over by the grace in that and wanted to treasure every bit of it. It’s what’s sustained us over these past weeks and I’m sure it will continue to do so in the years ahead. Who wouldn’t grab that with both hands?
“Negative” and “positive” feelings don’t actually exist separately
We tend to polarize our feelings as either negative or positive and we tend to believe that situations make us feel either negative or positive feelings – never both. But feelings aren’t innately negative or positive and most of the time the cards we’re dealt in life elicit a mix of emotions that we feel all at the same time.
You can feel relief, peace, awe, loved, love and even joy amidst your sadness, shock, disappointment, anger, fear and grief. I’m convinced that when you’re grieving, your heart is extra-sensitive, like an open wound, so that you see and feel everything more clearly and strongly – both the so-called negative and positive emotions. The awe and love that our little girl inspired in us is inseparable from the sadness that we feel knowing that she won’t live and grow and make new memories along with us over the rest of our lives.
So feel it all – even if it doesn’t fit your story
When the shit hits the fan, we start telling ourselves stories about what a catastrophe we’ve had and how bad it all is and we expect to just feel bad. We don’t expect to also be able to feel the feelings that we most want – feelings like love, peace and gratitude. I feel lucky that our Juggernaut’s birth and death was such a mind-blowing experience. We didn’t have to try to look for the love, peace and gratitude. It smacked us over the head. It felt surreal to feel it in the midst of our trauma and loss, but the love, peace and gratitude was undeniably there.
As things settle down and life goes on, we’ve now moved into that next phase of loss, where we’ve survived the initial trauma and now we’re integrating the experience and feeling it gently, gradually rearrange every little part of who we are and how we live. And I’ve noticed that I’m still surprised when I find myself feeling love, peace or gratitude amongst the pain. It doesn’t fit my story that we’ve had an awful thing happen – an awful thing that makes people feel really bad. But I’m learning to more easily recognize and welcome the love, peace and gratitude when it’s there, and to adapt my stories to include the love, peace and gratitude that’s there.
So, all this to say…
Trying to be positive doesn’t work – especially when you’re dealing with major loss
Don’t deny your so-called negative feelings. Don’t do affirmations in a desperate effort to try to see the positive side of a truly gut-wrenching situation. Sit with and let yourself feel whatever you feel. All emotions are safe and healthy to feel, and a sign that you’re alive and well, and experiencing life fully.
My sadness comes in waves and I still cry a bit everyday. But I’ve noticed that if I feel it rather than resisting it, the deep sadness lasts just 20 to 45 minutes and then it passes. And the love, peace and gratitude is there again. It’s only when I resist feeling the so-called negative feelings or tell myself that I “should” be feeling something else that the difficult feelings stay with me all day and start to feel all-consuming.
So I’m learning to welcome the sadness, knowing that it’s an introverted creature who demands my full attention, but favors short, occasional visits with generous space for us both in between visits.
And I’m learning that I can stay open to feeling love, peace and gratitude through any experience – even when it’s unexpected. And I can trust that it will be there when I need it – I don’t need to force it. It’s a gift of grace and a part of being the complex, multi-dimensional creatures that we are.
What about you?
Where is your story preventing you from experiencing the full range of emotions available to you?
What do you need in order to be able to stop trying to feel what you “should” feel and allow yourself to feel what’s there?
Where in your life have you not been noticing the love, peace and gratitude because you hadn’t expected to find it there?
What a beautiful, grace and wisdom filled post! I’m sorry for the loss of your Juggernaut – and so very appreciative of you sharing your story!!
Square-Peg Karen\’s latest post…Grace Acceptance and Executing Ideas
Thanks, Karen
I get caught up in the whole positive thinking movement but it’s true, sometimes you need to sit and let life wash over you. When my mum died, I grieved intensely for more than a year (and still do) but I let myself feel every bit of it and it was a life changing journey. I have often thought about your post since that day and thought how courageous it is to see people facing the truth in their own way and embacing their experiences. xx
Thank you for sharing a little about your own story. As you say, it’s very heartwarming and inspiring to witness people facing the truth and embracing their experiences, and to hear from them how they’re doing it. It’s the sadness – and the act of sharing that vulnerability – that has opened up this opportunity for connection, convincing me that sadness is not a bad thing at all.
“the gift of grace” says it all for me. Thanks for being you, Cath. Much love, Laurie
Laurie Foley\’s latest post…Hello Darkness My Old Friend
Ditto, Laurie, my friend
And thanks for being one of those big gracious gifts in my life.
Beautifully put, Cath, as always. Sending you much love on this healing journey, H
Helen Samson Mullen\’s latest post…Learning From Our Children
Thanks, Helen
Thanks for the honest, thoughtful post. Positivity is very misunderstood and you are clearing it up; it is important to feel what you feel in order to let go of it. Thanks for getting that word out with your touching story.
Catherine\’s latest post…A Golden Opportunity for Weight Loss
It’s the paradox of letting it be/ feeling it in order to release it that’s so tricky to understand, isn’t it? I’d love to write a children’s story book explaining that paradox in a metaphorical way… mmmm…
I pictured a butterfly when I read “I’d love to write a children’s story book explaining that paradox in a metaphorical way…” Not sure why. Maybe because you can’t hold on to a butterfly without damaging it? You have to let it be in order for it’s beauty to survive? Hmmm. Don’t know. But, I think it would be lovely for you to write that story. And, it would help so many children learn what it takes many of us a lifetime to figure out.
Many hugs and much love to you, Andy & Juggernaut.
Thank you for speaking so honestly about such an important issue. Yes, positivity has gotten so misunderstood. It is vital that we allow ourselves to feel absolutely everything we feel, to allow the fullness of life to embrace us. All of it. I so appreciate your willingness and courage to do this and to share your experience with us. My heart reaches out to you.
“The fullness of life” – love that, Melanie. It’s been an interesting experience for me to share the “fullness” of this journey and all of myself so openly on the blog in these recent posts. Scary, sure, and yes, it took courage, but sharing this has opened the way for a huge amount of mutual connection, empathy, compassion and healing. So worth it!
I do believe in positive thinking . At the same time I believe in giving legitimacy to your feelings. If you are in grief, cry till you can’t anymore and then cry some more. Only by acknowledging and feeling your feelings can you work through them.
The ability to feel is what makes us human.
(Btw, on a side note, the secret does say that what you wish for is not immediate. In the movie there is even a scene showing how someone thinking about an elephant has it show up in their room right away, and then the movie goes on to explain that there is a delay. )
Susie @newdaynewlesson\’s latest post…Enjoyment Isn’t Always Sacrifice Free
There’s a load of research that shows that “optimists” are happier, healthier, more successful and more resilient. I just want to caution people against judging certain emotions as “bad” or believing that “thinking positive” means that you should never feel bad.
From what I understand about optimism, it’s more about our thinking patterns than our emotions. It’s about a generalized expectation that things will be okay. I think it’s possible to feel very sad, angry, afraid, etc, whilst still being “optimistic” and having a deep belief that everything is okay.
With regards the Law of Attraction, I’m less concerned with whether or not it’s “true,” and more concerned with whether it’s a useful idea. If it’s useful to you – if it makes you feel more free to live your values and more able to support others to be free to live their values, then that’s great.
It’s not a liberating idea for me though. I think there are more disadvantages than advantages when it comes to believing that my thoughts magically attract/ create the experiences in my life. I think there’s a lot of potential for over-thinking your own thoughts and feeling guilty about your natural, healthy thoughts and feelings. I think it encourages an individualistic approach to solving problems, rather than recognizing complex systemic causes and the need for holistic, societal and political change. And I worry about the potential for blaming and shaming people who appear to have attracted shit into their lives. I think there are more useful and loving ways to assume a responsible approach to living.
Ultimately, I think that any idea that leads to you fighting/ shaming yourself or resisting what is is dangerous, and that’s my concern with the way that positive thinking and the law of attraction is often taught and interpreted.
Non-judgmental acceptance and love for ourselves and others is what heals and creates resilience so anything that gets in the way of non-judgmental acceptance and love for self and others needs to be up for debate as far as I’m concerned. And I know that you’re with me on the priority of love – you’ve extended a lot of love to us over the past while. Thank you for that, Susie.
Cath – Your reply here brought to mind the phrase “Wise beyond your years.” You stated so respectfully and so eloquently what I have had trouble articulating.
I firmly believe that the word “should” does not belong in the same sentence with any emotion – unless the phrase is “You should allow yourself to feel the way you feel.”
Society seems to have forgotten that we cannot control how we feel. We can only control what we do in response to how we feel.
Thank you for sharing your philosophy on this. It is very refreshing and most helpful.
Btw, one more thing. Are you familiar with the organization “Now I lay you down to rest” ? There is a forum on the site that might be helpful to you at this time.
Susie @newdaynewlesson\’s latest post…Enjoyment Isn’t Always Sacrifice Free
Thanks, Susie – I’ll check it out.
What a beautiful and powerful post. Your message is so clear. I have always been a big believer in truly feeling and acknowledging all emotions – both positive and negative. Thank you for reminding me of this. Sending you lots of love ♥
I know you are, Jayney
That’s what makes you so full of life!
Hi, Cath
The words of your post are so so true, it really struck a chord with me. I agree that in attempt to move on from pain, too many of us push the feelings away that need to be felt in order to REALLY move on. It also confuses us when we feel such raw, conflicting emotions simultaneously and makes us feel like we have to “choose” which one to feel. Someone (very wise!) told me recently that it is so important to ride the emotions that come through, no matter whether we feel that we “should” be feeling them or not. And what I wanted to share with you was that she compared these feelings to labour pain – feel them, ride them, and know that they will be friggin’ painful, but know that they will end and each one ultimately brings you closer to the goal of birth. I guess whether that means still birth, live birth, recovery from trauma, etc…it all rings true.
Thank-you for sharing your experiences with everyone, I have been following them with…mixed emotions.
Lots and lots of love to you and Andy – such inspirational parents.
Shan
xx
That’s a really useful metaphor, Shannon – thanks!
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Hi Cath, once again I am astonished by your clarity. I’m reading your post feeling some small part of your pain and sadness, and thinking ‘she’s got it absolutely on the nail’. If people think positive psychlogy means that you ‘should’ feel positive all the time, they are settng themselves up for a lot of misery and anxiety. Feeling are just that, feelings, and the nature of feelings is that they tend to be transitory, contradictory, muddled, confusing, etc. Let them flow through you, let your tears fall if you are sad, and know that this too will pass. It’s the stories we tell about our feelings which sometimes trap us, and maybe make those feelings stick around for longer. ‘Trying’ to not feel sad when something sad has happened is like swimming against the tide. It likely a person who does that will get very tired, and maybe in the end get washed away. My wife says that tears are magic, and when someone cries the best thing we can do is to let them cry, not reach for a tissue to stop the tears. Let them cry, let them feel what they feel, sad, angry, ‘hysterical’, whatever, offer support empathy and sympathy if that’s appropriate, and then when they want to stop, then offer the tissue. There is something physiological that goes on too when we cry, and usually in the end we feel calmer, but its a rough part of the journey for you at the moment, and denying it wouldn’t help anyone. With love to you and yours. Andy
“…the nature of feelings is that they tend to be transitory, contradictory, muddled, confusing, etc…” You’re right, Andy – especially on the transitory nature of emotions. I imagine that emotions are meant to keep moving. When we acknowledge or express them, they can keep moving. It’s only when we try to “stop” them or deny them that they become unhealthy. I think tears help with keeping the movement. And I think laughter also helps with keeping the movement.
So, as odd as it might sound, during “a rough part of the journey” like this, I’m embracing both the times of tears and the times of laughter fully. I don’t always get to decide which it is, but I’m welcoming both when they pitch up.
Thank you for your kindness and compassion, Andy.
My last book was advertised by the publisher as a “triumph of positive psychology” – to my horror. I’m not a positive psychologist, I’m actually more of bastard Stoic. The major research for that book happened when my entire family had died, my marriage was in a shambles and my own life was hanging by a thread, a godawful mess. I cried, I railed at cruel fate and screamed a lot in those days. It made things better – far better than to keep it pent up. Make lemonade by all means, but feel quite free to bitch all the way to the refrigerator about the fact that the expensive champagne you looked forward to for years and finally opened, lies in shattered ruins on the floor. Or that worse things have happened.
I love the idea of the Law of Attraction but you’re right, we’ve seen notable failures and not all the apologists in the world can explain away the like of what you are going through. I think the Universe gives us a break when we’re grieving though. As I pondered the deaths of my family, the crumbling wreck of my own life and wondered who in a past life I’d screwed to deserve all this, I felt and acted exactly the same way you describe Cath. And it should have attracted one hell of a shitstorm. But it didn’t. It attracted a new and more supportive mate and life situation for me.
Somehow going through the crap we’ve already gone through is our ticket out of it, through the too-tight abyss of our grief. The deep yearning for things to be better and different acts as the stronger attractor factor than our railing at an unfair universe. That’s what I experience happening in such times. That and your great love for Juggernaut – what could be more powerful than a parent’s love? A few “fuck yous” to the Universe aren’t a drop in the bucket to that.
Cry Cath, bitch, moan and be unhappy you have such a good and grounded handle on this. We can’t know the light without the dark to define it. Hurt and upset is a normal, natural part of the process. And when it gets to be too much, just focus on the love that is the broad bright ribbon running through it all. When the love, joy and awe you feel are the reasons for the hurt, they are still your predominant emotions and the predominant intent you are putting out to the universe. Even when our human organism feels the negative side of these emotions more deeply.
So in an interesting way not many have written about, you’re still working the Law of Attraction, even if it may not feel like it at the time. Because there’s not one of the feelings we label “negative” that is there for any other reason than your deep and abiding love.
Thank you for being the mirror in which so many of us see ourselves, and take comfort in knowing you are always surrounded by so much love, support and well wishes. They don’t take the place of Juggernaut, but she too will always be with you.
I wish you a peaceful heart, mind and body…when the time is right for you.
Maryam Webster\’s latest post…Professional School for Community Management
“That and your great love for Juggernaut – what could be more powerful than a parent’s love? A few “fuck yous” to the Universe aren’t a drop in the bucket to that.” That made me laugh
And I loved this: “We can’t know the light without the dark to define it.” So true.
And this totally resonates: “…there’s not one of the feelings we label “negative” that is there for any other reason than your deep and abiding love…”
And thank you for sharing a bit of your story here too, Maryam. I think the shared stories of our vulnerability and human-ness is the richest blessing that’s come out of this whole experience. Deep respect and gratitude.
Hello, Cath! You’ve moved me yet again with such great honesty. Many more have felt the same way, no doubt. And more than that, we’re all unified in the appreciation of your courage and generosity in sharing your story.
It is, indeed, unwise to push “stay positive” into anyone’s throat while they’re grieving, in too much hurt and pain. Often, those on the “luckier” side have all the good words to share, but somehow, not a single thing in the world could erase the grief.
I’ve always believed that all the “negative” emotions are there for a reason, as all the positive forces are around, often coming beside it. But you, Cath, and your experience, has strengthened my belief in such.
There’s no wise parting words from me. Just the utmost hope for the best for you and the people you love. Stay strong, Cath!
~Arina~
arina nikitina\’s latest post…9 Guaranteed Ways to Remember Names
“It is, indeed, unwise to push “stay positive” into anyone’s throat while they’re grieving, in too much hurt and pain…” – and it’s especially unwise when you’re pushing it down your own throat, isn’t it?
Thank you for your kindness and compassion, Arina.
Thank you for sharing this post and your experience here with all of us. I appreciate your courage and honesty and your “full human-ness” here.
We do have to feel (not ignore) the negative to really appreciate the positive and beautiful. As you have been told so many times lately… you are supported and loved (it never hurts to hear it again).
Thank you, Angela, for the affirmation and reminder of the connection between the positive and the negative, and the connection between “full human-ness” and being fully available to be loved.
Cath -
I have found myself reminding folks recently that you really can feel grief and gratitude at the same time. It baffles me that we seem to have forgotten that.
Thanks for reminding us so beautifully that feelings are not mutually exclusive!
With much love and sympathy,
Wonderful post Cath. You beautifully explain the combination of positive thinking and gratitude with allowing yourself to experience pain. I’m a psychotherapist who works with many cancer patients who are tyranically obsessed with being positive every second lest they encourage the cancer. You’re description here puts the importance of allowing both so very gracefully.
Thank you for this sharing this grace – and my deepest sympathies for your loss. Wishing you very very well.